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Doug Melvin: It gives me great pleasure to introduce the man who I believe will single handedly turn around the Brewers next season, the man who will save our pitching staff and lead us back to the promised land of the playoffs, the man who will surely make up for the loss of the players we have let go and take us to our rightful place atop the National League, ladies and gentlemen Mr. Randy Wolf!
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Randy Wolf: Thank you very much Doug. I just wanted to start by saying that although Milwaukee wasn't my first choice, they did offer me the most money and I am honored to be here. I think that we have a great chance to finish at least second next year and that should be awesome. Now, if you'd like to ask some questions I'd be glad to answer them.
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NEWSMAN: Randy, what do you think about the chances of the pitching staff and the addition of the new pitching coach Rick Peterson?
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Randy Wolf: Well, I ahh, I feel pretty good about it. I mean, I am not sure how I can top the career year I had last year and seriously doubt that I will, but hey I'll listen to what the guy's got to say. Why not? Next question please.
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NEWSMAN: Mr. Wolf, how good do you think the Brewers will do next season?
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RANDY WOLF: Pretty good I imagine. I don't know. Good to medium good? Goodish? It's hard to say really. I just have to take that ball every four to five days and do my best and that's what I plan to do. I'm going to go with pretty good-like. Sounds about right. We're definitely going to place, in the standings that's for sure. Any more questions?
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NEWSWOMAN: Yes, Mr. Wolf, what do you think about Tiger Woods and all these allegations going on against him? Are there more women?
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Randy Wolf: Great question. This is my first time speaking publicly about this, but I have a bit of a theory and it might be unpopular but I think it has a bit of merit. Okay, look at all of Tiger Woods' female acquaintances, notice a pattern? They're all young, hot and blonde right? Well, you know who else fits that profile? That's right, Natalee Holloway. Now I'm not saying Tiger murdered her, but if we knew then what we know now we'd at least have questioned him right?
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NEWSMAN: Randy, Gilbert Arenas was found to have had multiple unloaded guns in the locker room and allegedly threatened a teammate with them. The teammate, Javaris Crittenton, supposedly cock and loaded another gun and threatened Gilbert with it. One of these two players is suspended without pay, which one is it?
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Randy Wolf: I suppose that is a bit strange, but I don't want to get into it. You have to remember that I was traded to the Houston Astros to somewhat replace Shawn Cacon who was released for choking his general manager. You think we didn't have guns in that locker room? Google "wandy rodriguez sawed off shotgun" and see what happens. Throw a "blood" sign at Brad Ausmus and see what happens. That locker room was the Menace II Society to the Wizards' Boyz N The Hood.
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NEWSWOMAN: How do you feel about MTV's hit show, "The Jersey Shore"?
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Randy Wolf: From a train wreck standpoint, the show is mildly entertaining but seriously, what is wrong with the people in this country? The problem isn't necessarily the show itself, but the problem is that people watch this show or the Kardashians or any of the crap on VH1 and think to themselves "hey, these guys are cool. I should look up to these people. These people are celebrities. I want to be like these people." Like, what? Seriously? How is that a good idea? These people are clearly stupid and yet they are making money like I'm making money when I am actually good at my profession and have worked hard to get to this point. They have no discernible talent unless you count putting in hair product and acting like a douchebag to be talent. In fact, one could even argue that the "stars" of these shows were raised on watching the Real World and thinking that those people were cool celebrities they'd like to emulate and that this is merely the next evolutionary step in the television douchebag. How far does it go? Can it really get worse than this? Is Mike Judge's Idiocracy an accurate depiction of the future? I'm scared, really, and I'm from southern California. We invented the d-bag. With all that being said, I find myself strangely attracted to Snooki. I haven't felt an attraction that makes me feel like I'm a sick person since Anna Nicole Smith was fat and had a show on E!.
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a-dub: do u like me??
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Randy Wolf: No, no one likes you. You're terrible.